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When will I fail

Updated: Jan 27, 2021

My office is 13 steps from my couch. One roll out of a yoga mat and my office transforms into my workout room. When I pull on the tab on the light switch to dim the lighting, the little plastic cover that once hid it got knocked off and lost long ago, my workout room becomes my yoga studio or my meditation space. But the 13 steps it takes from my couch to my desk on most nights feels like the longest commute.

It is at night when I dedicate my time to my side business. It is at night when I dedicate my time to sending out query letters to potential book agents. It is at night that my desk in my office somehow feels like the gateway to failure.

My side business, you know, you are on the website, is I find certified, experienced and talented fitness instructors to teach at events and conferences nationwide. EvCon…Events Conferences…get it? But we are in a pandemic. People aren’t gathering. “Fitworking” – networking while doing fitness at events isn’t a thing right now. It is all online. Conferences are virtual. My business was on the very slow, snails pace rise, but there was a mission and a vision, and people were into it. So was I. And then it was March 2020.

I’m not tech savvy. I’m afraid to invest more money into this business in the virtual realm of events and conferences. What if my investments just keep me in the red for longer. What if people won’t see my vision or rather, not want to invest in wellness, which if there is ever a time to make that investment, right now is that time.

Just like I won’t look in the mirror for too long because I don’t want to see the dark circles under my eyes constantly reminding me of poor sleep and bad allergies; I don’t want to look at my computer too long and see the reminder of what I haven’t yet done and what I need to do. I don’t want to work hard to fail.

I spent 90 days working on my first manuscript. I wrote more than 54,000 words in a story about my life. It is filled with experiences, and humor, and heartbreak. The pages have exposed my soul in the best ways possible. But what if it doesn’t get picked up by an agent? What if I write 540 query letters and 540 agents say thank you but I’m not interested? Will I be sitting at this desk with my fingers on the keyboard, my brain absorbing all the personal information I can about each agent I query and fail?

Are you ever curious what stops you from fully failing? I believe, 13 steps does that for me. I may walk 9,947 steps in a day, according to my Fitbit, but I can convince myself not to take that 13 more to failure. But just a quick question, have you also ever wondered what has stopped you from succeeding? I’m pretty sure mine is 13 steps.

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