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Dear Mom

Miss celebrating, you and birthdays together, mom

Yesterday would have been your 75th birthday. I bet we would have done something really fun had you been here. Like maybe all gone to Vegas or maybe a Christmas in February themed party. We all know you would find any excuse to celebrate Christmas 12 months out of the year, if it weren't for the other holidays and their decorations too.


Yesterday wasn't that bad for me. Not as bad as one would have expected, being it was the second with out you. I had a lot going on yesterday. It was basically the first full day I felt totally normal and motivated since I had surgery on my ear last week.


Remember when you came and took care of me after that botched procedure on my ear in February of 2020? When the doctor prescribed how much of the sedative I took based on how cheap of a drunk I was? Telling him I preferred tequila gave him the wrong impression on my capacity for narcotics. Also, in hindsight, we should have just left the room as soon as he said that. Well, here I am, four years later and I finally have a plan to fix things. I found a great ear specialist thanks to Blair and after 3 years of seeing him, and marching in his office last fall telling him it was time for a hearing aid, he referred me to a surgeon. The surgeon is fixing the underlying issues, mom.


Your last birthday on earth was in 2022, do you remember meeting that guy Dave? You weren't feeling well, so you only got to meet with him for about 30 minutes. He brought you flowers. Well, he's stuck around, mom. We are getting married and he was my nurse post surgery, a role you played for 40 years of my life. He did good. I asked for him when I came to, he was the first person I asked for, can you believe it? I thought you might show up in my anesthetic state, but I don't remember anything showing up that day. It was long and recovery was hard, but the train has left the station towards better ears and hearing and I'm on it!


I listened to a new Liane Moriarty book, remember how we loved talking about her books? I didn't like this one. I kept wanting to call you and tell you how much I didn't like it and complain that I had to finish it. We always did that, had to finish. I'm listening to a new book now, I think you would like it, there is a show on it too. It's called Daisy Jones and The Six. I think you would like the audiobook of it, so many different actors playing each character.


I thought about calling you earlier to see how your birthday was, but then I remembered.


I wanted to call earlier and tell you how things are tough right now at work, but then I remembered.


Today seems harder than yesterday, mom.


I had some stress, a lot of stress lately and I'm wearing it on my hips and on my belly. I'd like to blame the stress, but I think it has to do really with I've gotten weak. I used to have no willpower over chips or a box of kraft macaroni and cheese (don't worry, Dave made sure it was on hand during my recovery), but I realized my willpower was lost everywhere. From chips to cookies to 90 day Fiancé spinoffs to peanut butter bourbon or a bottle of wine. I decided to stop drinking for at least a month on February 5th. I want to strengthen my weaknesses. And you gave me a hard time about the challenges I would do so often, but ultimately, they worked. You saw that. I know you would have said can't you start on the 7th and not on my birthday? But I did it on the 5th. You know me, I set my mind to something... So I didn't have a bourbon to toast you on your birthday mom, but I did have a cherry coke zero. Isn't that almost as good?


Also, I'm planning a wedding, my wedding, and without you. Every now and then I have a breakdown or a reminder that I'm getting married and you don't get to bare witness in person. It hasn't fully hit me like it will, like I know it will.


Will you be there? Will you send the butterflies and the red sky through on that day? What about the sunlit crystal lining around the sky? Will I feel you holding my hand around the base of my bouquet while I have my arm draped through dad's as he walks me down the aisle?


I have to be honest, it isn't a wedding you would have planned, the invitations aren't what you would imagine. There is no priest and no organ to play when I walk down the non church aisle. It is a wedding that that sweet man you met on February 6, 2022 and I have imagined and that your other daughters and your husband have made happen. You should be proud of everyone, mom, we all stuck together.


Today is harder than yesterday. But it is the first time I've felt like writing in a long time. So, I just thought it would be nice to write you a letter and update you on what's been happening.


I miss you mom, and I hope you had a Makers Mark with a splash of OJ for your vitamin C last night in a heavenly Waterford glass, a nice glass of cabernet with your pick ups for dinner, a cherry coke zero as a nightcap and surrounded by all the hounds who we know are sitting at your feet.


I love you



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Feb 08

Okay, I’m crying. What a beautiful letter, Had. I’m certain your mom is smiling & gleaming with pride for all you have accomplished in these last two years.

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Guest
Feb 08
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

Beautifully painful, Boots. Thank you for writing

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Feb 07
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

Thanks for writing it all down. We had such a good one. Love you.

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Guest
Feb 07
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

Grief is hard

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