I struggle with saying no to people I care about and with putting up barriers so as not to hurt their feelings. I consider them before I consider the effect it has on me.
But let's be clear, I don't have a Mother Theresa complex, I have a fear of them leaving me or not forgiving me for not giving in to them.
I'd say majority of the time I say yes because I want to, but there are a few times where I want to say no or more than that, I want to speak up and I don't, because I don't want to upset someone.
In the recent past, for example, I have spoken up or asked questions and in response someone has cried, gotten mad, or sent a scathing response in an email and it solidified my reasoning behind not saying anything.
This weekend, I was talking to a friend about a situation that offended me both personally and professionally from the same situation, and she told me to say something, not to just let it go. But I gave so many excuses that she just gave up.
I have stopped asking questions to some people for fear of their responses. Not because they would be negative towards me, but because their responses may affect my wellbeing as I would be so concerned about theirs.
I've pulled away from topics, conversations and people to try to protect myself because I have allowed other people's problems and worries dominate over my own. I've been cognizant of this lately and it has been really interesting to watch. To some, in their minds, I have become a worse friend, because I've decided to be a better friend to myself. But in turn, where I rely on someone else for guidance, support and advice on those situations, and I don't listen, what do they do
?
And I wander, how many people have done the same to me and I just didn't notice?