Who wants to know another secret?
I am not that pissed off.
I don't look at my own face nearly as much as other people do. It is impossible to see what other people see on my face when we are talking, unless I kept a mirror around my neck at all times. So no, I do not notice when I'm not smiling. No, I do not notice if my eyebrows are starting to go grey. No, I do not think about the lines around my eyes, or when I am frowning or if the lines between my eyes are prominent because I'm focused. I don't notice these things, but other people sure do.
I have had people tell me to smile more, ask me if I'm tired, what is wrong or if I am in a bad mood just by looking at me. That's the first question or comment out of their mouths. It is usually from strangers or absentminded acquaintances. I was walking through a bar once in my late twenties, following a hostess to my table in a restaurant when a man, likely in his sixties, stepped out of his way, away from the person or people he was with to say "I'm going to tickle you if you don't smile." Ummm...creepster, that definitely did not make me smile. A member of an advisory board for an event I was working on offered me unsolicited advise that he deemed (notice HE) helpful, "Hadley, if you smile more, you will get more respect from us."
I mentioned in an earlier blog about a man I went on a few terrible dates with who suggested I get Botox to help get that "pissed off look off your face". To be fair, he was likely on drugs and what I really needed was whatever kind of Botox could be used to stop dating dirtbags with an addiction problem.
Oh, and yes, I am tired. I'm 41, I run a business, I'm writing a book, I manage an event and a team, I workout, I have two senior hounds, one of which who needs special care. But did I yawn? If I yawned, stranger, you can ask me if I'm tired. I was at an event once in Colombia and went to greet my team who arrived a day or two after me, one team member got out of the taxi and said "oh wow, did you not sleep last night?" These are not questions that should be asked without some context, like I yawned or said I was tired first.
Yes, I am in a bad mood, because some asshat just asked me if I was in a bad mood. Before that question I was thinking about my day, my to do list, hell, I could have been thinking about absolutely nothing, just in a blissful state of blankness. You know what I wasn't thinking about? What the look on my face may be saying to the stranger across from me.
You know why I don't look in the mirror at my own face nearly as much as some people? Because I don't care to tell myself the same things that strangers tell me on the weekly. Recently I had some photos taken and the photographer asked if I wanted her to blemish out the smile lines in the corners of my eyes? She was the second person to point those out to me in the last year. I never noticed them before. I told her no, those lines are a sign of a happy life, they were caused my laughter and my only physical proof, apparently, that I'm not always pissed off.
I have dark, puffy circles under my eyes do to lack of adequate sleep and over active allergies. Those are all I see when I look in the mirror and that is all I care to cover up. Apparently not well, but it's my biggest insecurity and so I try.
So what's my dirty little secret? Well, it's not that I'm in a bad mood, it's that if you see that face, the one not smiling back at you, it's not because of the mood I am in, it's because you haven't inspire the lines in the corner of my eyes to deepen. That's on you, boo.