I have struggled with how to share my truth, but I made a decision today to do it.
This is Me
I’m 40. I have a well established career where I am respected and well known in my industry as an Event Organizer. I got certified to teach yoga and have been for the past 6 years. I started my own business nearly two years ago. I have two senior dogs. I am an aunt. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a friend, actually, I am a good friend. I am a listener. I am single. I am adventurous.
This is Me on the inside looking out.
I’m over the hill. I worry I am complacent and haven’t done enough to get my name out there or to move up. My industry I represent is in a tough place, and I worry. I am sometimes ashamed I don’t teach more, afraid I don’t do enough for the students I do teach, and I fear that maybe I am losing my drive to be and do more as a teacher. I am 100% self funded and therefore I don’t take enough risks. Because I work full time and teach yoga, and exercise so much, I don’t put enough time into the success of my business. I fear those are excuse crutches I lean on for fear of failing or ironically, too much success. I fear the day my dogs leave me alone and what I will turn into when that happens. I want to be a good example for my nieces and nephew but am afraid of the day that I’m not cool enough for them anymore or that they’ll figure out I wasn’t that cool in the first place. I do a lot to make my sister’s, parents and friends proud of me and fear disappointing them. I sometimes wonder if I use them all as a crutch I lean on to not pursue something else, anything else or go somewhere else. I sometimes love having the indepedence but at the end of the day…I’m looking for him, I’ve looked under rocks and layers of baggage and sifted through addiction and I keep looking because…sometimes Sunday’s suck alone and sometimes so do Tuesdays and sometimes lots of days. My adventures have taken a back seat to everything and everyone else and all of this. Trying to do it all, find the one, be of service…I lost myself in this adventure and I’m tired.
I just am. I try. I fail. I give up. I push too hard. I have fear. I am complacent. I am curious. I don’t need but I want more. I am comfortable and yet need discomfort. I don’t want to settle, but I sometimes try to hard to do just that. Am I enough? Will I be enough? Is it all enough? Do you?