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I could move, but I was paralyzed

Have you ever found solace in something and then found fear in doing it? That's grief. Well, that's how my grief shows up.

I found solace in writing. And then I feared putting pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard.

I found solace in being creative. And then I feared creating something unknown.

I found solace in showing up. And then I feared being seen.

In the span of 10 months, I lost my lab, the boy who had been by my side for 17 years; I then lost my mom, the person who cheered me on and showed up for 42 years; and then I lost my beagle-terrier mix, the girl who had made me laugh and relish in being weird by my side for 12 years of her 16. And in those 10 months, I lost my joy for writing. I lost my ability to go forward. I lost my ability to commit beyond what I could see. I lost my ability to be creative.

If you have never experienced grief, newsflash, you will. And there is no right way to cope with grief. There is only your way and the only thing I can tell you to do is to show up each day, first for yourself, then for anyone else who made need you to show up for them too. You first, them next.

Grief took my breath away. Grief took my ability to move forward away. But I'm taking control again. Well let me rephrase, I'm trying again. The thing about grief is it is like a cancer on your conscious and your heart. Only, it won't kill you, it will strip you of control of your tears, and strip away things you couldn't imagine what it would take and then your left wondering where everything went, where did your self esteem go or your motivation or your drive? Another newsflash here, it still exists, it is still in you and in me, grief is just like the blanket that suffocates it for a while.

Well I cut a hole in the grief blanket so that I can move forward, so that I can move at all, unparalyze myself, if you will, until it stops me in my tracks again. And it will. I will stop and I will cry and I will melt. And I will stand up again and I will move. And the whole purpose of I will write again. I will create again. I will live while grief lives in me. I will live while those I loved so well live in me. And so will you.

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